Improving Couples Communication with 4 Easy Steps

Written By Jeron H. Parry, LMFT

Are you seeking ways to enhance communication as a couple? Effective communication plays a pivotal role in the success or failure of a relationship. Couples Communication, a key aspect that often drives individuals to seek Couples Counseling, becomes the cornerstone of long-lasting relationships. The vitality of a healthy partnership lies in the foundation of trust and genuine concern for each other’s growth and well-being. Cultivating empathetic communication is a powerful means to achieve this.

What is empathy?
Empathy is more than Sympathy. Too often we sympathize with partners or spouses and push them away emotionally without realizing it. Empathy is different. Empathy is taking the time to understand another to the degree that we can recognize and communicate with the other congruent to how they are feeling. For example, if someone just lost a loved one and is feeling a great deal of sadness, you do not sit next to them with a big smile on your face and say “Oh, you will get through this. You always do!” You are not connecting with them because you are not revering the emotion and difficulty of the moment. Instead, you could say something like, “How devastating! I do not even know what to say. I am here for you!” Can you feel the difference when you read those two very different statements? Empathy brings you together because there is a connection and understanding that develops with empathy.

Four Steps to Apply Empathy

1. Identify the Emotion
You need to try to hear and understand what emotions the other is feeling. That may take some time and effort to listen and ask more questions for full understanding. Do not worry about what is the “right thing to say.” Instead, focus on what they are trying to say and understand what emotions they are experiencing.

2. Communicate the Emotion
Communicate the emotion you are recognizing. What does that mean? Let me explain. If your significant other is feeling overwhelmed and as if she has no friends at work. Then make a comment that tells them you hear them loud and clear. That may sound like, “Wow, I did not realize how difficult of a workload you have, and it’s worse to hear that no one there supports you. That sounds frustrating and lonely!” Communicating in this way will tell them that you understand what they are feeling. This builds a connection and trust between you and that person. They will not feel alone in the problem anymore. Couples need to be a team. This strengthens that bond.

3. Put Yourself in Their Shoes
Next, try to imagine what it would be like if you were in their position. How would you feel? What would you be doing? Why would you be feeling this way? Couples sometimes overlook this simple step. Think about when perhaps you have felt similar. You will recognize that even though you may never have gone through what they are going through, you can understand how they could feel the way they are feeling. You genuinely will feel a little like how they may be feeling. Really listening, understanding, and putting yourself in their shoes builds trust that you are someone safe to talk to because you can imagine how they must be feeling.

4. Do Not Judge
Lastly, do not judge the other person. If you judge them, you are not thinking and trying to understand them. You are skipping step 3 and pushing them further away from you! Often you end up jumping to conclusions and assumptions that are hurtful to the relationship when you judge. That is a good way to get them to stop communicating and opening up to you altogether. To really understand and get another person, they want to know you are safe to share what is vulnerable to them. Judging essentially tells them you are NOT a safe person to talk to.

By incorporating these 4 principles of Empathy, couples can forge stronger and more meaningful connections. Your spouse or partner will develop a deep sense of trust and find solace in discussing their issues and concerns with you, knowing you genuinely strive to comprehend their emotions. Communication breakdowns often stem from a lack of empathy awareness. But fear not; you can take proactive steps to avoid such pitfalls.

If the lines of communication in your relationship have already suffered significant strain, you might be contemplating the next course of action, such as couples counseling or therapy. The decision to seek professional help is a critical aspect deserving its own discussion. However, if your current communication style is significantly impacting your relationship and overall quality of life, don't hesitate to reach out to a licensed therapist for guidance. Waiting until the relationship hangs by a thread is not advisable. Take the step towards healing and growth now!